This is an original script for a first episode of a new radio sitcom 'Call Us Cute'. The script has about 6,500 words and should run to about half an hour. It was written for a BBC competition in 2003. As required by the competition rules, it contains only two speaking characters.

The basic situation is that Gideon and Avril work from their home as freelance call centre operators. Gideon takes the big family decisions and is a bit of a fixer; he can also be slow (especially in answering questions) and lazy. He likes doing competitions, and has an occasional playful relationship with words. He loves Avril and is possessive. Avril is bossy (in little things), sarcastic, quick to temper, and quick to forget. She is also quick to get enthusiastic about her interests.

There are four non-speaking characters in this first episode, two or three of whom would feature regularly: Talia, the Finch's daughter; their agent, Middlemax; and Avril's yoga teacher, Rain. I envisage the 'Call Us Cute' series would be about the relationship between Gideon and Avril (and with Talia and Middlemax) along side whatever issues are raised in particular episodes.

As a basic premise, I imagine that each episode would see Gideon and Avril take on a new contract for different telephone services. Examples of such contracts in three categories (with possible story themes).
Collection of names and addresses after advertising for:
- timeshare prizes (personal dreams/holidays and inevitable disappointments)
- sexy lingerie brochure (discussion on whether to have a second child);
- a DVD of famous horror movie clips (family horror story involving Talia) or similar;
- subscriptions to Writer's Digest (Avril joins a writers' circle perhaps).
Market research for:
- a serious political party (Gideon tries to guide the family's politics);
- a non-serious political party (general dig at politics, apathy!);
- a supermarket bonus point (aisle miles!) promotion (difficulties of shopping);
- car sales (car advertising lunacies, the benefits of cycling).
Other telephones services for:
- train timetable information (a logistics nightmare, and commuters stuck somewhere);
- support for a new Enemies Re-united service (school-friends come back to haunt Middlemax);
- coping with call centre complaints (meaning of life, something Kafkaesque perhaps);
- emergency help for the 999 service (with a concurrent family emergency).

(Call Us Cute - download full draft script - 84k)


Paul K. Lyons

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